I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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