I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
