3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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