mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
