Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
