My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Drake has all the answers
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
