I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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