I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize