The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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