you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
