Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
