You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
