I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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