i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
