My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
