dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
