Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Randomize
