the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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