I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
