you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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