I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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