I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
