Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
