i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
