Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
