I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
two words: eviction party
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
