at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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