When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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