Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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