Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
