The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
