Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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