She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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