How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
