Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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