OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
