Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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