Will you blow on my dice?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
These tits shall not be calmed
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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