I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
