Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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