My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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