i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
