I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
