You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
