I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
