god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
