the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
