I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
