I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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