So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think i got beer on your cat.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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