Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
