What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
