Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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