At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
