I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
