He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
